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I had a whole paragraph of woe-ing that I intended to leave in this journal, but I decided to get to the positive and stop feeling sorry for myself.
What have I done this year? Well, there is a very long list of things I haven't done. That fact becomes all too real whenever the last digit changes over. But I'm not going to dwell on that. I'm going to tell you what I have done that I actually find rather worth something. Maybe you will too.
Firstly, I've done a lot to improve my health. I think that's pretty important if I'm going to get anything else done, like the story I'm still writing. I always feel slightly dumb when I mention it, but what I want to say in the bulk of this journal is related, so please read on.
Something happened to me this year. I guess it's been slowly coming on now, since I was a child, but this year I can see the buds about to burst forth with color. I think it may have even bloomed as recently as this month. I'm talking about something I never expected myself to feel. People were talking about it, but it didn't seem possible for me. I thought there must be something wrong with me because I just couldn't get there.
I couldn't honestly say that I loved God.
I liked God. I thought very highly of God. I liked that He seemed to think very highly of me. But I didn't really love Him. I wasn't really sure what loving Him was supposed to feel like, but it didn't seem to be the same as what I was feeling. People would sit in the pews and cry when someone spoke about Jesus and I just didn't get it. I mean, I'm one of the biggest crybabies I know--why am I not doing that? I wondered that, until the tears fell from my own eyes. And then I knew it had happened to me. I loved God.
I thought others had discovered some secret to connecting with God. Now I see that it's not that complicated. How do you fall in love with anyone else in life? You spend time with them; You talk to them. Then at some point--probably without your recognition--you give your heart to them. You love them and you just can't help it.
I think being a single girl without a father has a lot to do with this change. I wanted to be loved in a way that I hadn't experienced. God loves me not only for who I am but simply because I exist. Sure, people love me like that, I suppose, but behind it they always expect something from me--or expect me to do something. God doesn't want anything, He just wants me. Once I understood that, it was easy to lose myself in loving God.
Sometime this year I started spending time with God every day. At first I had to make myself do it. I didn't know what to say and many times I had to ask the spirit to help me. Then once I got talking, it was hard to shut me up!! Fifteen minutes turned into thirty, and before I knew it I had spent an hour with the Creator of the universe. I tried so hard to fully comprehend who I was speaking with. I want to be reverent, after all. The awe turned into fondness, and when He became Daddy, I started talking to Him whenever I felt like it, and being much more aware of His Presence. I started imagining Jesus with me and trying to fathom that that was really true. Now I'm one of those people that cries when someone talks about Him. I'm getting a little choked up now, in fact. I can finally say that my heart too leaps at the thought of seeing Him face to face.
I'm thankful that I was allowed to live another year so that I could know Jesus more than I ever imagined possible. Now my joy will be greater when I walk through the gates of heaven.
This is the joy that I'm trying to get across in a novel I'm writing. I could just burst sometimes and it's hard to share my joy for fear that others will think I'm silly. I tend to chastise myself for taking so long and not getting very far in this project, but I realize looking back that I needed time to get to know who I was writing about first.
Here is a link if you want to check out my book's Facebook page: www.facebook.com/pages/Dreamin…
This song is like a soundtrack to the pictures in my mind when I think about heaven and it helps fuel my drive to continue with my story: www.youtube.com/watch?v=8iHmWd…
What have I done this year? Well, there is a very long list of things I haven't done. That fact becomes all too real whenever the last digit changes over. But I'm not going to dwell on that. I'm going to tell you what I have done that I actually find rather worth something. Maybe you will too.
Firstly, I've done a lot to improve my health. I think that's pretty important if I'm going to get anything else done, like the story I'm still writing. I always feel slightly dumb when I mention it, but what I want to say in the bulk of this journal is related, so please read on.
Something happened to me this year. I guess it's been slowly coming on now, since I was a child, but this year I can see the buds about to burst forth with color. I think it may have even bloomed as recently as this month. I'm talking about something I never expected myself to feel. People were talking about it, but it didn't seem possible for me. I thought there must be something wrong with me because I just couldn't get there.
I couldn't honestly say that I loved God.
I liked God. I thought very highly of God. I liked that He seemed to think very highly of me. But I didn't really love Him. I wasn't really sure what loving Him was supposed to feel like, but it didn't seem to be the same as what I was feeling. People would sit in the pews and cry when someone spoke about Jesus and I just didn't get it. I mean, I'm one of the biggest crybabies I know--why am I not doing that? I wondered that, until the tears fell from my own eyes. And then I knew it had happened to me. I loved God.
I thought others had discovered some secret to connecting with God. Now I see that it's not that complicated. How do you fall in love with anyone else in life? You spend time with them; You talk to them. Then at some point--probably without your recognition--you give your heart to them. You love them and you just can't help it.
I think being a single girl without a father has a lot to do with this change. I wanted to be loved in a way that I hadn't experienced. God loves me not only for who I am but simply because I exist. Sure, people love me like that, I suppose, but behind it they always expect something from me--or expect me to do something. God doesn't want anything, He just wants me. Once I understood that, it was easy to lose myself in loving God.
Sometime this year I started spending time with God every day. At first I had to make myself do it. I didn't know what to say and many times I had to ask the spirit to help me. Then once I got talking, it was hard to shut me up!! Fifteen minutes turned into thirty, and before I knew it I had spent an hour with the Creator of the universe. I tried so hard to fully comprehend who I was speaking with. I want to be reverent, after all. The awe turned into fondness, and when He became Daddy, I started talking to Him whenever I felt like it, and being much more aware of His Presence. I started imagining Jesus with me and trying to fathom that that was really true. Now I'm one of those people that cries when someone talks about Him. I'm getting a little choked up now, in fact. I can finally say that my heart too leaps at the thought of seeing Him face to face.
I'm thankful that I was allowed to live another year so that I could know Jesus more than I ever imagined possible. Now my joy will be greater when I walk through the gates of heaven.
This is the joy that I'm trying to get across in a novel I'm writing. I could just burst sometimes and it's hard to share my joy for fear that others will think I'm silly. I tend to chastise myself for taking so long and not getting very far in this project, but I realize looking back that I needed time to get to know who I was writing about first.
Here is a link if you want to check out my book's Facebook page: www.facebook.com/pages/Dreamin…
This song is like a soundtrack to the pictures in my mind when I think about heaven and it helps fuel my drive to continue with my story: www.youtube.com/watch?v=8iHmWd…
I Miss dA
I just got a burst of nostalgia typing in what I'm reading! I really should do more here, I just don't do art like I used to. I've been on Tumblr and Pinterest for my art fix. I've drifted away from photography, drawing, poetry, and even photomanips. I no longer have paint shop pro and gimp is just not as easy to use. I could steal PSP but I'm not going to do that. Plus, I've switched to a laptop and I had a lot of overheating issues with trying to run Gimp.
As far as artistic and creative endeavors, I've been writing a book series, which you can check out here: Link
It's been in the making since the early, early conception in 2007 and actu
Worthy of Love
Somehow I survived my high school years (probably because I was homeschooled) without feeling too greatly the weight of the world's expectations of women, but I am feeling it now. I haven't written a journal entry in almost a year so this is something I need to share.
A while ago I stopped wearing makeup, though i suppose I never really started. When I was about 20 I got a full makeup set for Christmas, even being able to pick it all out. I was complemented on it, but I wasn't sure I liked how I looked. Because my skin is rather pale I looked strange being evenly pale. :giggle: When I realized that that stuff soaks into your skin and isn't v
Post-Christmas Depression
On my way to the shower I went past my devotional books and my Bible, untouched since yesterday, and I realized with guilt that I had spent my morning opening gifts, expecting them to bring me happiness. I felt an emptiness afterward that has become as much a part of Christmas as presents. The anticipation is never equal to the presents. A cheerful morning has melted away into an ordinary Tuesday afternoon and I think it's time I picked up my Bible again and spent some time with the One who showers me with good gifts every day, most of which I don't appreciate or even notice. Thank you, God, for the greatest gift of Your Son. "The grass withe
The Invisible War
I am feeling very deep today, so I journaled for a long time and I thought I should share my thoughts with you. ;) Warning: views may be far right, but mainly Christian in general.
Someone online said something that has stuck in my mind. They said that the people wanted Barack Obama so God gave him to them, like He gave Saul to the Israelites when they wanted a king. I like this explanation. I don't want to be upset with God because things didn't go my way. I have been trying to remember that He is in control, but it's hard not to fear the future. The conditions of Greece should be a warning to us, but people refuse to face the hard truth. I
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