I had a whole paragraph of woe-ing that I intended to leave in this journal, but I decided to get to the positive and stop feeling sorry for myself.
What have I done this year? Well, there is a very long list of things I haven't done. That fact becomes all too real whenever the last digit changes over. But I'm not going to dwell on that. I'm going to tell you what I have done that I actually find rather worth something. Maybe you will too.
Firstly, I've done a lot to improve my health. I think that's pretty important if I'm going to get anything else done, like the story I'm still writing. I always feel slightly dumb when I mention it, but what I want to say in the bulk of this journal is related, so please read on.
Something happened to me this year. I guess it's been slowly coming on now, since I was a child, but this year I can see the buds about to burst forth with color. I think it may have even bloomed as recently as this month. I'm talking about something I never expected myself to feel. People were talking about it, but it didn't seem possible for me. I thought there must be something wrong with me because I just couldn't get there.
I couldn't honestly say that I loved God.
I liked God. I thought very highly of God. I liked that He seemed to think very highly of me. But I didn't really love Him. I wasn't really sure what loving Him was supposed to feel like, but it didn't seem to be the same as what I was feeling. People would sit in the pews and cry when someone spoke about Jesus and I just didn't get it. I mean, I'm one of the biggest crybabies I know--why am I not doing that? I wondered that, until the tears fell from my own eyes. And then I knew it had happened to me. I loved God.
I thought others had discovered some secret to connecting with God. Now I see that it's not that complicated. How do you fall in love with anyone else in life? You spend time with them; You talk to them. Then at some point--probably without your recognition--you give your heart to them. You love them and you just can't help it.
I think being a single girl without a father has a lot to do with this change. I wanted to be loved in a way that I hadn't experienced. God loves me not only for who I am but simply because I exist. Sure, people love me like that, I suppose, but behind it they always expect something from me--or expect me to do something. God doesn't want anything, He just wants me. Once I understood that, it was easy to lose myself in loving God.
Sometime this year I started spending time with God every day. At first I had to make myself do it. I didn't know what to say and many times I had to ask the spirit to help me. Then once I got talking, it was hard to shut me up!! Fifteen minutes turned into thirty, and before I knew it I had spent an hour with the Creator of the universe. I tried so hard to fully comprehend who I was speaking with. I want to be reverent, after all. The awe turned into fondness, and when He became Daddy, I started talking to Him whenever I felt like it, and being much more aware of His Presence. I started imagining Jesus with me and trying to fathom that that was really true. Now I'm one of those people that cries when someone talks about Him. I'm getting a little choked up now, in fact. I can finally say that my heart too leaps at the thought of seeing Him face to face.
I'm thankful that I was allowed to live another year so that I could know Jesus more than I ever imagined possible. Now my joy will be greater when I walk through the gates of heaven.
This is the joy that I'm trying to get across in a novel I'm writing. I could just burst sometimes and it's hard to share my joy for fear that others will think I'm silly. I tend to chastise myself for taking so long and not getting very far in this project, but I realize looking back that I needed time to get to know who I was writing about first.
Here is a link if you want to check out my book's Facebook page: [link]
This song is like a soundtrack to the pictures in my mind when I think about heaven and it helps fuel my drive to continue with my story: [link]